Mother as the Breadwinner

Mother as the Breadwinner

By Victoria Egberipou

The moment a woman gets married to a man, she gets married to the entire family of her husband – to a large extent, to the extended family. So is the African tradition, so is the practice and held to a high esteem. On the part of the man too, the same applies. The woman’s family- parents, siblings and extended relatives now share same relationship with their son in-law as they have with their daughter.

As soon as a marriage is contracted between two people the family responsibilities become a shared one between the couple. These responsibilities sometimes are not only those within the immediate family but could also include those from the parents in-laws, siblings of both or either parties. It could be very overwhelming sometimes with the prevailing trend of the dwindling economy and this on the whole tells on the general welfare of the family.

Be that as it may, I do not intend to dwell on these general effects it could have on the family or the man who ordinarily is expected to bear the brunt of these demands on the family resources. I have rather chosen to look at a situation where the woman is the breadwinner in the family.

Now, what do we mean by the word “Breadwinner”.

I could define a “Breadwinner” to mean that person in the small group or in a family who takes the responsibility of providing financial support both in small and great measure to all other members of the group or of the family.

The Oxford Advanced Leaner’s Dictionary defines “Breadwinner” thus; “A person who supports their family with the money they earn”.
Here we want to consider the woman, the mother or the wife as the Breadwinner. You will agree with me that the woman is actually responsible for adding all the beauty, warmth the laughs and the building of a home. Without her the home is not complete. God made it so, it all takes great understanding, determination and maturity which comes gradually with her daily experiences to help her bring in that beauty and warmth. God has made her naturally or divinely a homemaker, an encourager, confidant, mother and supporter to her husband and children. Thus, fulfilling God’s design and desire for her life as a woman. But sometimes in addition to all of these, she finds herself to be the “Breadwinner” in her family.

Some women carry out these responsibilities and see it as great burden and suffer self pity, anger and sometimes degenerate to total disregard for her husband and his family. These groups of women are those who would have the resources but bluntly refuse to be generous to her family. This is because she feels the man has not made enough efforts, too choosy with jobs, not making efforts at all or has ill-luck with getting employed. Thus she would not give him any comfort. Well, this is not our major area of focus for now.

The situation is different where the woman sees herself as being destined to carry the bulk of the responsibility of catering for the family and taking over the duties of the man. This category of women find fulfillment in surrendering all she has in order to make her family happy including her husband. She sees it as service to humanity within and with all her resources.

An important questions here before going further is, why would a woman become the Breadwinner to her family?

Some of the reasons for a woman or mother becoming the Breadwinner in her family are; where the man loses his job or never had one, as a result of failed business ventures, failed health or accident which could result in temporary or permanent disability, death, or separation - thus single parenting. When a man is no longer able to provide for his family financially, the feeling of inadequacy and frustration sets in, the man feels as if his manhood is in question. He loses confidence that he might no longer have grip over his family and “ceases” to be the head of his family.

Our concern is on the woman who now assumes the position of the “head of the family”. So, to the woman who never foresaw or bargained for these conditions naturally sometimes “looses” her joy, feels frustrated and helpless even though most women try to pretend to the world that everything is alright. This could be a helpless situation whereby if care is not taken she really gets out of touch with herself emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, giving room for heated argument in the home over trivial issues, increasing stress both for herself, the husband, the dependants and the children.

It might be of interest to know that from chats with a few mothers who had at one time or the other found themselves in this kind of situation, some did not see it as a pride that they are carrying the family responsibilities and well able to cope with the resources available to them. They also understand that if the man is able to provide for the family needs, it only makes for better welfare for the family and possibly makes room for investments. These women feel the pain that the man feels, the feeling of lack of fulfillment, the incompleteness because the man feels incomplete.

These women hardly express these feelings verbally but all the same, it is there. They silently bear the pain of not being able to give the children the best of education, live in better accommodation, possibly own a house of their own and have good mobility, and the list of desires is endless. They are more tolerant, matured, persevere, and I personally choose to call these ones “women of faith”.

Considering the different temperament, we are aware of those who naturally would not tolerate seeing the man not able to carry out his duties of providing for his family. These women do their best at working hard and meeting the needs of the husband and the children but they lack self-control.

Part of the reasons why women in the later group would behave the way they do is as a result of the perception of her husband family concerning her predicaments.

They find it difficult to believe that their son is financially handicapped. They would accuse the woman of having taken over their son’s attention. Her in-laws sometimes pretend not to know the contributions of the woman, talk more of bearing the entire burden. She is not shown any appreciation – thus she feels the pains. The prayers encouragement and other support she gets come from her own family, they appreciate her and her effort and would rather not bother her with any additional liabilities if they could. They encourage her to be submissive to her husband and to use whatever abilities, resources and privileges God has given her, for the benefit of her children and husband.

Anyhow we assess the whole scenario, it should be known that when a man steps up to take the lead in his family in terms of providing for them, the wife supports him and each falls into their roles and there is harmony.

Everyone, man or woman should always remember that the foundation of the two people counts. One would want to point out that with true love being the sole reason for the union and not material possession, hasty decisions, or attractive financial status of either of them, then the story would be different.

From the standpoint of a wife, mother and once a breadwinner, I would say it is actually a very difficult and trying time for any woman. But whoever finds herself in this situation should know that it does not last forever. The more you make yourself and remain a source of encouragement to your spouse, the higher his hopes and you should expect more love.

In conclusion, make sure to recognize the enormous blow this predicament has on your husband’s ego. Reassuring him of your love for him is healing. Always look at the brighter side in every challenge in life. Take it in good faith and see it as God’s opportunity of drawing us closer to himself. See God’s hand in any or every situation you find yourself in, and He will see you through.