Here is the Riggers’ Haven

Here is the Riggers’ Haven

By Sam Onimisi

Stress is no doubt the cause of some disease if it is not itself a disease. At the level of a symptom, it may be endured for a period, but not when it has blown to become a painful disease. A few days back, I had a day full of physical exertion, mental stress and emotional distress and returned home exhausted. I went straight to bed and not long after, I found myself in the midst of a group of people engaged in animated discussion over the fate of Nigeria. Unlike me, I discovered I could only listen and not a participant in the discussion. Being also a good listener, here is what I heard.
“This country is a riggers’ haven. Everything was rigged from inception in 1914. Lord Lugard didn’t consult anybody and didn’t seek our views before he decreed the amalgamation of what his concubine thereafter christened Nigeria. Therefore, the country and her name were rigged into existence. Lugard must have drawn the first map of the country after carrying out a detailed geographical survey. And he was able to prove that the country had two rivers namely, Niger and Benue as the most significant landmark features. If he was sensible enough, he ought to have corrected the whore who only saw ‘Niger area’ instead of Niger and Benue as conspicuously outlined in the map. He didn’t, and proceeded to accept the name Nigeria instead of Nibena. This name is now duplicated as another French territory goes by the name Niger, a close neighbor to Nigeria. The implication is that there are Nigerians and there are Nigeriens. If you cannot spot the difference, it is not anyone’s fault but the stupid colonialist, Lugard.
“All of Nigeria’s Constitutions were also rigged into existence. Are you looking amazed? See, the 1922 Clifford Constitution was the first in colonial times. Then Sir Richards became the Governor of Nigeria in 1943. Without consultation with Nigerian leaders, he went to London and submitted a constitutional proposal to the British Secretary of State for the Colonies and his proposals were passed into law in the British Parliament in 1946. No Nigerian drafted, debated or voted for the Richards Constitution, yet it was imposed on us. As if every colonial governor must impose his own laws, Sir John Macpherson became governor and made his own Macpherson Constitution of 1951. Then came Lord Littleton who also inaugurated his own little Constitution in 1954. On the eve of independence, series of Constitutional talks were held in Lagos and London, culminating in the 1960 Independence Constitution. The talks were superintended by colonial officials browbeating everyone into submission – or else they with-hold independence from us! Was this not how you got all these so-called pre-independence constitutions?”
“After independence, we had the 1963 Republican Constitution which had our leaders input even though still supervised by the overbearing colonial lords. In less than three years, the military took over government, suspended the constitution and ruled by autocratic decrees from 1966 to 1979. The military imposed the presidential system cum constitution, which has a close semblance of martial law obtained in military barracks. The still-born 1989 Babangida Constitution was dead on arrival. The 1999 Abdul Salam Constitution was a most guided secret, unveiled long after the 1999 general election. This, in a nutshell is the rigged constitutional history of Nigeria.”
“Even the Regions were so rigged into being such that one region was bigger than three others combined. Go and check out the Nigerian maps of 1946 to 1966. The first 12 states were created to abort Biafra and to that extent, and because it failed to achieve its aim, was a fraud. States or regions are supposed to be a voluntary evolution by federating units applying to join the Federal Union. Ours were decreed into existence wily nilly by fiat. So are our Local Government Councils; to the effect that states and local councils were lopsidedly created as gifts to loyal commanding officers and in favour of certain ethno religious zones. If not, which of them were approved through a referendum? Which of them were subjected to a plebiscite? N-o-n-e!!”
“Do you know that our educational policy of quota system was rigged into the 1999 Constitution? Even our national anthem was rigged in 1977 by Obasanjo’s military government; the Police system was rigged and decreed into a unitary force. You are still starring at me, unknown to you that all budgets are rigged in that they are bogusly inflated to take care of ministry officials? So you think that only elections are subject to rigging? Then, you are grossly mistaken! Since 1952 until 2007, general elections were consciously rigged so that losers become winners and vice-versa. As if we are averse to correct figures, none of our Census exercise answered to demographic principles – which was why they were always disputed. In enumeration exercises, figures are free to sky-rocket and tumble at will, and no religion and ethnic group must be identified; this is to enable everyone to appropriate any figure to suit every conceivable rigging devices. I call this practice ‘conspiratorial censuses.
“Whenever a Commission of Inquiry or Panel of Investigation is set-up, don’t submit any researched memorandum to them. It’s all a waste of time and efforts. Why? Because their recommendations precedes their findings as no one was expected to dig for facts. All the commission or Panel does is to work to a pre-determined answer: swindle the complainants as well as the culprits so that they can run away to be alive to fight a greater battle in future. That way, the commission or Panel will be commended for a job well done; and assured that their recommendations will be dutifully implemented and they are disbanded. Meanwhile, the Panels’ reports are dumped under the shelf to gather dust, while government awaits another opportunity to repeat the ritual ad-infinitum. Life continues – by accident or happenstance!”
“You don’t need to know how to drive a car to be licensed to drive in Nigeria. It could be delivered on your laps right in your bedroom. The process is rigged to enable you join the road slaughter spree; as long as the motor vehicle is moving, you are an international driver and we shall be wiser only after you begin to main or mangle every object on the road. Your licence is designed to kill! Welcome to the Riggers’ Haven where everything works to perfection – on the reverse.”
When I awoke at 5:30am the following morning, I realized that is was all a marathon dream. But then I asked myself a question which you may also ask yourself: is the dream as dreamt different from the real situation in Nigeria? Please send in your most treasured answer, dear readers.