CHALLENGES OF INTER-ETHNIC MARRIAGE IN A MULTI-NATIONAL SOCIETY

CHALLENGES OF INTER-ETHNIC MARRIAGE IN A MULTI-NATIONAL SOCIETY

By Vic Egberipou

In itself marriage is full of challenges which come at various stages and to almost every union. This can easily be explained owing to the fact that the two individuals had their different beliefs, traits, characters, orientation and interests. Most people naturally have a distinct picture of what their marriage or home would be. There is this expectation of perfect life, perfect home. Notwithstanding, family elders are always quick to warn that no marriage can be rosy all the time and advised to be patient when they encounter difficulties because they (difficulties) don’t last forever.

Conflicts come from time to time which are usually resolved by the two individuals but in some cases with the intervention of a third party which could be another member of the family, friend and sometimes a spiritual guardian. Scenarios like these are witnessed both in intra-ethnic and inter-ethnic marriages battling with certain fundamental issues that bring about the differences usually resulting in conflicts.

For the purpose of this piece, the focus shall be on inter-ethnic marriage especially in a multi-national society like Nigeria. From the very stage of courtship, often friends and family members begin to object to such union with “cogent” reasons, based on experiences they must have read, witnessed or heard about. Oftentimes such reasons tend to be scary as they accompany their claims with endless though important questions bothering on the family of your partner.

(a) These questions range from the ethnic group he/she comes from, emphasis is placed on area of weakness of people from that ethnic group. For the non-literate parents they are concerned with the medium for communication between the two families, especially the son or daughter in-law to be, most painfully, the would-be grandchildren. Sometimes they are visibly angry that questions bothering on family history, for example sicknesses, death, character, occupation, size of family, successes and failures cannot be fully or satisfactorily investigated. So, from the on set the parents see these as posing a very big challenge and issues that call for concern. Nevertheless, the intending couple tries painfully and sometimes unsatisfactorily to explain some of these concerns to them.

(b) Cultural differences: This brings a lot of strain in an inter-ethnic union. Naturally, the different ethnicities bring a lot of challenges and are worth it if the partners discuss and if possible study, by way of researching and reading books about the culture of the ethnic group the partner comes from.

It is indeed a lot of work but in the long run you are better informed, you would not be biased and could be in better position to educate the rest members of the family and friends who may have earlier expressed concerns.

By interaction, the intending couple learns what is expected of a son in-law. It could be by way of simple gestures, pleasantries, gifts and so on. On the part of the lady, tasks as simple as serving food to the in-laws which may require particular style, she may need to gesticulate. The husband too might be very down to earth or home-boy type who would always prefer local delicacies and soups from his area (village) these the woman must learn from the on set. Modern ladies do not find this interesting as sometimes, they find it not convenient to do but on the long run it affects the relationship not just between her and her husband, but even the relatives.

(c) Communication: Still on the question of cultural differences, the indigenous language is most times put aside for a rather neutral national language or worse still, a foreign language or the official language (English) in many homes in Nigeria. Although it is important to mention here that it is not peculiar to multi-ethnic homes yet it is understandable why it is so.

Younger women these days have to contend with especially sisters and mothers in-law over their style of dressing, she may find quite comfortable but to the in-laws, it may not reflect the symbol of “married woman” it could be interpreted to mean non submission or being uncultured if she does not cover her head all the time especially outside the house. It could be the issue of short dresses, trousers or make-ups. To the wife, she might not see it in this light. Yet this could be brought about by not just the culture but the religious doctrines and traditional beliefs of the ethnic group her husband comes from or even her own though the men usually do not encounter problems with their dressing or appearance.

In this case though, each person’s attitude towards the other’s cultural differences is what makes the difference; for the purpose of knowing more or well enough of the family or ethnic group you are to be joined with, do not hasten into the marriage.

(d) Mutual Respect: This to me is a very unique aspect which I appreciate in inter-ethnic marriage. As much as we know of the secret fears parents of both partners might entertain at some point, there seem to be higher degree of respect for each others family especially coming from two different ethnic groups. People from same ethnic group seem to take too many things for granted and it is discovered that in most cases after a while, the families begin to treat each other with some air of contempt, taking things for granted. I believe that would not be unconnected with the fact that they know each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Sometime economic, political or social stature of the two families could be accountable for this. These difference and attitudes bring about challenges and yet in some cases make the relationship stronger on the long run.

(e) Gender Roles: Some ethnic groups have it that women should work very hard, if not harder than the men to be able to cater for the needs of the family. There are others too who do not believe in women taking up white colar jobs not withstanding the level of western education she may have acquired. Yet another ethnic group believes that a woman sits at home to take care of the home, while making babies and “watch” them grow. In some areas it is believed that once a woman marries she takes one or two of her siblings with her and it becomes the responsibility of she and her husband to train them and even those left behind in the village. Consequently the man in this situation does not find it interesting but he is forced to comply, because that is what the tradition demands from the wife’s side. It may be alien to the man’s cultural practices and thus affects the smooth running of the home due to economic strain and lack of privacy in some cases.

(f) Sex: It is something out of place for the topic “sex” to be mentioned or even discussed among some races. It is considered a taboo. This goes a long way affecting a lot of things with one of the parties realizing it on time. For example, the man may come from an ethnic group where it is believed that a woman has no say when it comes to the number of children they should have. For this reason, the issue of child spacing or family planning becomes a serious burden on the woman who may not win the sympathy of her husband since it is not her’s to decide, but of the god’s or God. In such a union, the woman must cooperate all the time. This tells on her physically, psychologically and even the finances of the family might be affected which happens to be the case most of the time as the standard is brought below average. The woman is usually highly upset and may begin to question the religious or cultural beliefs that has brought her under such ‘bondage’.
(g) Child upbringing / parenting: Certain ethnic groups believe that children upbringing is a principal responsibility of the woman. Unpopular as this assertion may sound; it does to a large extent exists in the minds of those who believe it should be so. That is why you hear condemnation being passed on a woman whose child or children are found to be wayward or involved in some form of vices. Conflicts results in some of the cases and if the child is made to face the law, serious challenge is posed on the couple and sometimes lead to separation.

This all has to do with sometimes the involvement of the grandparents, where they interfere and stop parents from giving commensurate punishment to a child that errs. Sometimes the kinsmen or grandparents claim that a child is their forefather reincarnated, who should be treated with respect, or that a male child should not be involved in doing house chores, or that he is the only child or only male child. Taking decisions on the children in some ethnic groups are not done without the involvement of their approvals as the case may be. This really does not go down well with one of the couple who might not see the need but the partner insists that, that is how it is done.

(h) Polygamy: Women generally dread polygamous marriage apart from those who are bound to accept it as a religious obligation.

Circumstances varying from inability of the woman to bear male children sometimes bring about pressure from the in-laws or even the husband to take another wife who would bear them male children/grandchildren as they consider it a serious setback where male children are not born to the family. On medical advice too, it might be that a woman cannot and should not attempt to have more than two children, which may not augur well with the man who would say that where he comes from (ethnic background), it is a taboo to bear only two children. As such, he goes for a second wife.

(i) Money: This has a very important role to play in the lives of the individual as well as family and the couple. The presence of it makes life a lot easier but the lack of it poses so much threat to a marriage and this could challenge the authority of the man as the head of the house; thus challenging the marriage. Certain ethnic groups in Nigeria believe that a man must be made or financially reasonably stable, with much emphasis before he can be given a wife. If at some point their finances are threatened, the parents of the girl would almost suggest their daughter quits. Families constantly wobble and sometimes threaten to collapse, obviously many do daily. Modern ideologies are not helping to build homes and they pile up against our cultural values which on the long run affect marriages negatively.
In order not to over flog this issue, it is worthy of note that this is an exhaustive topic and equally relative to environmental orientation, religious beliefs, maturity, understanding and so on of the individuals. We will all agree that inter-ethnic marriages have their challenges but one can still say that it works very well. Where all necessary questions are asked and answered with sincerity of purpose by both parties; bothering on family background, each other’s pasts, family tradition, cultural values, religious beliefs. Then whatever comes up along the line would easily and maturely be managed with little or no frictions. Wow, if only there was a coping manual!

On the whole, political questions bothering on opposing ideologies or parties and denominational doctrines on religion and cultural practices which tend to emphasis or exacerbate the existing ethnic differences should be avoided in the home or be played down if unavoidable.

Above all, mutual respect and understanding of the two individuals in the union must be of high premium as they tend to take off the daily strains in marriage from their relationship. Praying together on challenging issues is of paramount importance as prayers nurtures hope and faith both of which deepens love between the couple. Parties to an inter-ethnic marriage should dwell more on the common attributes of humanity to build enduring relationship for a lasting union.